But something about the sentiment of the song--just touches me. About wishing she could go back and be the person that she used to be.
I've heard it in story retellings. Felt it when re-tracing old arguments or things I should have done. And seen it in some people so scarred they never truly realize--they're not that person anymore.
Because we're not. You're not the person you used to be. Neither am I.
The person I was could never be me. She didn't have the time, the experience, the growth that comes slowly.
She was me, the person I used to be, but not anymore. Now she's just another ring in my trunk. And I'm so happy that's how it is.
Nothing used to irritate me more than--nothing. I'd watch that cartoon with the little martian--I think it was Warner Bros.--and they would cut to this screen of nothing and I would just want to scream.
That's sort of how I feel about being stuck as the same person would be. Luckily that can't happen in real life. But what about a book?
I'm so caught! I can't decide. On one hand, I love when I pick up a new book, and the character is new and wonderful and strong and powerful. Usually a loner or misunderstood--and I love that she/he clashes with the people around them. But if they stay that way? If they stagnate? And the story stays the same? The same battles, the same worries, the same character, personality unchanging, ungrowing--how cruel would that be?
But when they grow? I feel nostalgic. I remember how I felt when I first picked up their book. I remember them in tiny apartments just finding a friend. I remember them when no one knew the strength they contained and how it felt as they slowly revealed themselves. And I miss it! I miss it so much! Sometimes I just put my radio on and let them go back there until I as the reader am ready to let them grow. The writer who played life and made them grow, she/he was way ahead of me. They knew.
Now as a writer with dreams of a series--that will be me. Sometimes I think it happens without me noticing--but what about others? I'm on book one now. My job is to make it fresh and exciting and make any reader want to be in my world, to live in it. But what about after? When book one is finished, what then? Maybe you feel out book two. But what about book three? Or four? Or five? Yes, I'm massively ahead of myself and totally uncomfortable with it, but it needs to be asked. If I'm not switching characters. If I write as the story demands...I will eventually have to grow my characters.
I love her so much! What happens if they grow and I don't love them anymore--is that possible? I don't think it is, but what if? The mere thought seems wrong. So wrong. But how do I trust it? Growth is scary, and so many books have changed in tone as they grew--some for the better and some for the worse. They lost the connection that drew me in in the first place. I don't ever want that to be my book. Of course, this writer's block isn't helping, but I'm letting my rational side make things a little more reasonable and less "the sky is falling."
I love the person I used to be. Because I like the person I've become.
I'm glad I'm not the person I used to be.
I just have to trust that as my characters grow, I'll feel the same way. Because trusting your writer's intuition/talent/muse is always so easy. Ugh.
Wherever the day takes you and whatever you do, I'm wishing you light, beauty, and joy! <3